Aunt Martha takes one look at her lazy pet walrus, who is
lying on the living room sofa watching "Green Acres" and
eating Froot Loops, and she says "Pee-Yoo! We've got to air
you out, boy! You are really startin' to stink up the
place!!!!"
"Noooooooooooo!!!" the walrus cries in his deep walrus
voice.
"Oh yeah!" Auntie says most earnestly as she grabs ahold of
his flipper and tries to pull him off the couch...
"IRGGGGG!!!!!" she groans, but the big fat bozo just won't
budge.
"Nooooooooooooo!!!!"
So she runs to the garage and grabs herself this big ol'
two by four and sticks it between the walrus and the couch
and she commences to prying him off.
One...two...three...
THUD!!!
The walrus lands on the floor with a resounding...well, you
know...THUD!
Aunt Martha then whistles for her nephew Leroy who comes in
the room driving a forklift, of all things, and he picks up
that ol' walrus and he takes him n the bathroom where he
drops im in a tub full of soapy suds! Tra-la-la! Soapy
suds!!!!
"Noooooooooo!!!!!"
THUD!
SPLASH!!!
So Aunt Martha then gives the walrus a little plastic
bubble wand to amuse himself with whilst she scrubs and
scrubs and scrubs at that poor boy with some heavy duty
Pine Sol! And Clorox! Don't forget the Clorox!
So the walrus is blowing some big-assed bubbles as Auntie
makes sure he is all spiffy and clean, double scrubbing the
arm pits for extra freshness."
Then Auntie grabs the two by far and pries the old boy out
of the tub!
"Nooooooooooo!!!!!"
THUD!
The walrus am clean.
So now Auntie gives her walrus a big-assed bowling ball to
play with whilst she brushes his hair and puts a pretty
green bow there. The old walrus tosses the ball in the
air...going up, up, up,...down, down, down...
"Nooooooooooo!!!!
THUD!
"Yeowch!!!!"
"Well, damn it all, Leroy...you shouldn't have been
standing there!" the walrus says.
So Aunt Martha and the recently brain-damaged Leroy decide
to load the old walrus up into her Porche and take the old
boy for a spin.
"His butt could use some fresh air," Aunt Martha says.
So they stuff and stuff and stuff and push and push and
push until...
POP!
Success! The old boy is in.
So Aunt Martha ad Leroy stuff themselves into the car as
well and they are off!
And, you know, Aunt Martha is doing about ninety going down
Main Street as the old walrus sticks his head out the
window with his tongue hanging out. Suddenly, he gets a
taste for some chew, so he finds some tobacco he has
stuffed away in his trousers. He pops the whole pouch in
his mouth.
Mmmmmm...chew chew chew...
So the old boy gets it all good and chewed and he decides
he needs to spit, see? So he sticks his big old walrus head
back out the window and he SPITS a big old wad of it at a
police officer in the car next to theirs who just happens
to have his window open.
Well, needless to say, this cop utters a few choice cuss
words and starts chasing after our little heroes.
REEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!" goes his little siren.
"Noooooooooooooooo" yells the walrus as Aunt Martha floors
that baby and these kids get the heck out of Dodge.
"Eat my dust, coppers!"
Which is exactly what the copper does as he just sits
there, stuptified. "Where'd they go? Where'd they go?"
By this time, of course, our little heroes are LONG gone
and on the way to the park for an afternoon
constitutional.
So they pull up to the park, they lube up the sides of the
car door and they pull the walrus out.

Then they stuff him into this big old baby buggy, see, and
they commence to pushing it around the park, with the old
walrus inside going along for the ride.
"Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!"
Hum-dee-hum-dee hum!
They're strolling along nicely when all the sudden this
little boy comes up and sees this crazy walrus with his
crazy old green bow in his crazy old buggy and this boy he
says "This can't be...walruses don't ride in buggies with
green bows and they don't chew tobbacco! Walruses are
mammals that live in the artic on ice flows eating raw
fish. This simply cannot be. You can't be real!"
The walrus listens to the boy, stops to ponder his words
for a second "..hmmm...what is going on here? This does
seem rather odd...what kind of story is this anyway..."
The walrus looks up into the skies as if seeking an
answer.
He then looks into the boy's eyes and spits tobacco in his
smart-mouthed face. "It's a damne funny story, that's what
it is...yesiree!" he says.
The boy runs to his mommy crying.
Hum-dee-dum!
The walrus laughs uncontrollably as Aunt Martha and Leroy
start pushing the buggy at top speed so as to get away from
the boy's mother and yet another police officer!
The walrus moons the cop and the mom as he squeezes into
the porche and they make their getaway.
"Yesiree Bob," the walrus says, "This am the life...this am
the life!!!"
VARRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!
So how was your day?